Well hello there lovey, and Happy Black History Month! I hope that things are well and peachy keen in your world, and as always, sending all the positive vibes your way either way.
It feels like it has been forever since my last newsletter despite it only being a month ago. So much has happened and at this point in writing, I’m not sure how much I’ll go into detail. Though I can say that I plan to be as transparent as comfortable for me. It may be a bit of oversharing, but I find it necessary to share with you because I need the release and because I’m of the mindset that you may need to hear this as well. So, let’s get into it, shall we?
I’m officially in my 5th week of teaching this semester and honestly, it’s been hard—like really hard. I’ve been in this weird fog of questioning my career and my path, plus trying to actively avoid burnout which I’m not sure I’m doing very well. Don’t even get me started on my exhaustion. A lot of it has resulted in me feeling guilty and feeling as though I’m not showing up for my students the way I want to because I’m unable to fully do that for myself at the moment. I’m teaching three classes this semester and if you’re a higher educator reading this, you know that three classes are a LOT. I know that this sounds very ungrateful thus far, but I want to be clear when I say that I love teaching so much and I’m thankful to be teaching. However, two things can be true at once: 1) my love for teaching and 2) my dissatisfaction with my pay considering the overwhelming amount of work that I do each week. Could things be worse? Could I not have a job at all? Absolutely and I bring myself back to these questions daily to humble myself. Though this doesn’t mean that I have to pretend that I’m okay with everything.
Truthfully, all of this among other things going on in my life depressed me. In my second week of classes, I spent nearly the entire weekend in bed excluding when I wanted to eat a little and take care of my hygiene. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was watching tv until I fell back asleep. It was a continuous, unhealthy cycle. I didn’t leave my house for 5 days, and if I didn’t have to physically go on campus that 5th day, I would have stayed inside even longer. It was that rough for me. That weekend ended with several issues that I won’t publicly discuss here, but just know it was awful and I felt lost.
Thankfully, I had support, and the people who were there for me know who they are, and I hope you know that I genuinely appreciate you endlessly.
I don’t know if I will regret sharing all of this or not, but with the amazing things and new opportunities I have coming up for me in the near future, I want this to be my written stamp in my own history that I was honest with myself about my challenges, allowed myself to complain for a little bit and then actively did something about it. I’m still actively recovering from how emotionally challenging the last month was, though I am more at peace now with what’s to come.
With the changes that I am anticipating, I will go ahead and let you all know here that I will be canceling my upcoming workshop/studio visit offers so I can tend to my new ventures and my mental well-being. It’s a sacrifice I have to make, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be so worth it. It already is worth it.
If you’re going through a similar issue, I’m here to tell you that it gets better. It sounds easier said than done—trust me, I know, but it does get better my friend. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. In the end, we’re only human.
On a lighthearted note, I recently moved into a new studio space and I honestly wasn’t sure how much I would like it or if I would like it at all. The last studio space I had here in Milwaukee was meh, and it didn’t feel good enough for me to stay. As a result, I kept my packed studio supplies in my trunk for well over a year and took things out as needed. It wasn’t the most ideal way to function, but it worked for the time that it needed to work. After receiving the Mary L. Nohl Fellowship, I knew I needed more space and thankfully this space feels right. It feels like a space I can be productive in outside of my home and importantly, the sunlight that comes inside the space is so beautiful. I thrifted my furniture for my studio since it wasn’t furnished and painted it the most beautiful coral color. I’ll add pics below, but all of this to say, I have truly been in a healthy work mode lately and it’s felt amazing.
For the first time in a while, I feel motivated and proud of my journey thus far. I’ve truly only scratched the surface. I’m not in a rush to be at a certain place in my career and not comparing my path as an artist with anyone else is so easy. I just don’t think about it.
I’m where I’m meant to be and I take solace in the fact that it’s only up from here. I’m going to accomplish everything I put my mind and heart to while continuously supporting and rooting for my friends who are also on their own individual journies along the way. As Dua Lipa said in her hit song “Physical”, “I don’t want to live another life / Cause this one’s pretty nice”.
You got this. We got this.
MONTHLY HIGHS AND LOWS…..
HIGHS…..
- I moved into a new studio space.
- Travelled to St. Louis for the first time for my exhibition opening weekend at The Sheldon.
- I wrote 2 pieces for Lenscratch in honor of Black History Month interviewing two of my favorite humans and artists: Arielle Gray and Christian K. Lee.
LOWS…..
- I received one exhibition rejection letter.
- I received the news that I have to have another operation on my wrist to correct a prior operation that went wrong in 2020 (No worries, I’m going to be just fine!).
- My laptop malfunctioned on Grammy night and I had to get it completely reset. I said this in my last newsletter, but I’ll reiterate it again: Artists PLEASE backup all of your work to multiple sources (external hard drives or cloud resources) if you haven’t already. I promise you it’s worth it and you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and frustration. Thankfully, my files were backed up and after 6 hours, everything was back on my laptop and functioning normally. If I had not backed everything up, I would have been screwed.
My tiny desk setup in my studio taken by me on 1/20/2023.
Self-portrait of me in my vacant studio space in Milwaukee, WI on 1/23/2023.
Photograph of me in front of my piece at The Sheldon taken by my cousin Jamal in St. Louis, MO on 2/10/2023.
Photograph of my Mom and I taken in front of the Arch in St. Louis, MO taken by my cousin Jamal on 2/10/2023.
NEWS + UPDATES…..
A couple of pieces from my body of work Our Mothers’ Gardens will be on view at the San Diego Mesa College in San Diego, CA from April 3-16th!
I’ve mentioned this subtly in my last newsletter and in my Instagram bio, but I am available for freelance art writing and photography work. If you or anyone you know is in need of my services, reach out to me and let me know. I’d love to work with you (or them)!
ART/CULTURE STUFF I’VE BEEN INTO…
Here’s what I watched over the past month, and of course, if you ever have any show or movie recommendations that you want to send my way, please send me an email so I can watch and follow up with you about it later.
Binge-worthy Shows
The Sex Lives of College Girls (MA | 2021|Adolescene/Drama/Sex Comedy/Comedy Drama) – This show was suggested to me by my friend Natasha who said I would love it and no lies were told! It’s hilarious and has its fair share of cringe-worthy/cliche moments, but still a good watch nonetheless. 4/5
Films
American Hustle (R | 2013 | Drama/Crime) – 4/5
The Good Nurse (R | 2022 | Crime/Drama) – 4/5
You People (R | 2023 | Romance/Buddy) – 2/5
Pamela, A Love Story (R | 2023 | Documentary) – 4/5
Look Both Ways (R | 2022 | Romance/Fantasy) – 4/5
Side Effects (R | 2013 | Thriller/Drama) - 3/5
Before I go, I want to ask for feedback and share where my head is at with the upcoming newsletters. No worries, they’re not going anywhere, and they will continue to be released on the 21st of each month!
I’ve been giving some thought as to how I can make these newsletters feel more personal to you beyond my diction. I have a couple of thoughts in mind and I would love to have your feedback on them.
My first thought is that I would like to make an audio component to the newsletter for those who prefer audio over reading the newsletter from their screen. My second thought stems from my love of physically mailed letters. I think it could be cool to physically mail my newsletter, in addition to the e-newsletter, at the end of each quarter—so March, June, September, and December. How do you feel about either or both? Let me know in this quick 2-minute survey. Full transparency, none of this will cost you a dime but if you’re feeling generous and would like to contribute $1 for shipping, leave me a tip here. Thank you in advance for your feedback!
Alright folks, that’s all I have to share for this month. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my thoughts. This is my digital safe space and having you here with me means a lot to me. If you ever miss any newsletters, you can find them in the archive on my website and if you’re interested in what I’m up to in the meantime, check out my Instagram!
Take care of yourself and you’ll hear from me again in March.
Love you, mean it!
-Alayna N. Pernell